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Did you ever suddenly wonder about the "bigger picture"?

I was never all that enamored with the notion of going off to 'find myself'. I always suspected that was what my ex-husband was doing when he gave up his profession, totally abandoned his family & went to live in a leaky caravan; picking flowers & selling pegs for money and collecting dogs as a hobby.

Previous attempts at finding himself had backfired. First time he only found alcohol and the second time he discovered 'other' women. But third time lucky for him when he managed to combine the latter two with the former and is doing wonderfully, I would imagine. [No, I am not bitter - merely starkly realistic - that's why I gave all his expensive business suits to charity, I knew he would no longer be needing them <g>].

So, hiking half way up a mountain in Tibet or balancing on the edge of a Mexican volcano seemed a little dramatic to me.

Not that I scoff at anyone who has utilized such adventurous methods of self-discovery. Whatever floats your boat. I was just always sure there must be easier ways, thus leaving mountain climbing & volcano balancing to be enjoyed as experiences all of their own.

You see, the way I saw it was this. If I lost myself, which I must have done, otherwise I wouldn't be looking [try & keep up] then I couldn't really trust me to go searching in some far off and exotic location. Nope, I would have to start a little closer to 'home' than that!

OK then, a plan of action. Where would I begin? I tried the usual methods. Meditations, clairvoyance, astrology, live yogurt, acupuncture; I even bought a mood ring but it just gave me a rash...nothing worked. I just didn't feel spiritual. At all.

I was beginning to get worried. What if I was too far-gone? What if I would never find my true spiritual being? What if there was no such thing? Was I redeemable? Should I begin Bible class? Did anyone ever read the nutritional information on cereal packets any more?

Then something happened. I still don't know how to describe it. It was as though the penny had suddenly dropped. Albeit from a very great height, thus causing its journey to be immensely long...[this, I later discovered, was because it was a penny and due to it's high copper content, was not able to distinguish the apparent complexities of linear/nonlinear time concepts, otherwise, it would have dropped roughly 5 years ago].

I didn't need to 'find' myself, because I was already here. All of the doubts and illusions that had plagued me [even during the times that I stalwartly defended the evolutionary theory and dismissed anything remotely nonscientific as utter finch-poop] seemed to disappear.

They didn't need to be answered. That was the thing. I thought I had all of these questions.

No, I didn't. I already knew the answers to them all; I was only asking them because I had forgotten how to be, not because I didn't know who I was. I was asking the questions to jog my own memory.

Boy did it get jogged.

I am me.

I like that!