Self-expression v School

"The wearing of make up and jewelry is forbidden for members of the school below the Sixth Form, apart from the wearing of one plain gold stud in each ear. Earrings may not be worn. I fail to understand how some of our 14-15 year old girls leave from home unchallenged by parents, as they set off to school wearing so much make-up... ...It is particularly frustrating that a growing number of our students are choosing to fasten the tie in an unacceptable way...Please help!... ...Pop Stars and Soccer players sometimes act as unfortunate role models for our adolescents. Such "Stars" are often interviewed on television wearing a nose stud - or perhaps a ring or rings in the eyebrow....all such items of jewelry are not to be worn in school... "

My son brought a note home from school on the last day of the winter term, citing the many non-uniform issues apparent to the staff. Notable excerpts from the (very long) Christmas letter included the above.

I felt a reply was in order. For one thing, I remember being 14, leaving for school in the appropriate garb and dashing into the ladies' room at the train station to apply kohl and mascara in inappropriate quantities - washing it all off before I got home again. The parents don't always know...

Dear "Mr. Teacher",

I thank you for your seasonal wishes and comments about School Uniform Regulations and Standards.

Placing aside a minor footwear misdemeanor earlier this term, I am fairly confident that my son has upheld the school's policy on uniform, to the best of his abilities.

However, I am aware, of late, that he has taken to wearing his necktie in a peculiar fashion. Despite all attempts to wrestle it into submission before he leaves the house, I find it morphs once more to its strange mutation by the time he returns home or, is no longer attached to the boy. (When I feel that the best place for a tie is around a neck, not dangling from a pocket or stuffed mercilessly to the bottom of a bag which, frankly, contains goodness only knows what). But your request has been noted and even if I have to resort to a staple gun, that tie will comply.

Despite rigorous questioning regarding what exactly takes place between leaving the house in the mornings and arriving home in the evenings, I am unable to ascertain the cause of my son's oft' disheveled state upon arriving home. I can, therefore, only deduce that he has fallen prey to the many Sabotage Gnomes, which hide along the school route. These creatures are responsible for eating sandwiches from lunchboxes before they get through the school gates, removing perfectly good shoelaces and replacing them with tattered bits of black string, drawing odd symbols in biro all over the hands of small boys, and transforming new school books into replicas of the Dead Sea Scrolls.

These are not to be confused with the Attitude Gremlins who cause homework not to be handed in on time, general lethargy and a tone in the voice which is almost belligerent but one is never quite sure...

As for the make-up/jewelry issue well, again, this is a phenomenon best attributed to supernatural activity as most parents, like myself, see their little darlings off in the mornings with freshly scrubbed faces, pink glowing cheeks and eyes sparkling with the prospect of a day's education. Yet my son returns home with vertical hair and in a cloud of scented something-or-other but, thankfully, has removed any trace of make-up...

I do hope that this is not a direct result of my being an unfortunate role model for my son on account of the fact that a) I am a musician, b) I quite unmistakably have more than my ears pierced and c) have definitely been interviewed on television wearing a nose stud.

Thank goodness I am not a footballer.

I wish you the compliments of the season by return and thank you for being brave enough to have my son as a pupil. He, in turn, to his credit, is stalwart enough to endure me as a parent.

I wonder how much they dislike having me as a parent at that school...on a scale of 1-10..?