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"Important Work" - Do's and Don'ts

I blame my first husband. It was the summer of 1986 and he brought home an old ZX Spectrum, which had been on extended loan to his brother. I tried to feign indifference at the "come hither" appearance of its sleek, black body and the satisfying "plup" sound the keypads made when you pressed them...to no avail. Within 15 minutes of him heading off for work the next morning, housework was forgotten, dinner had become a promise of take out and my world revolved around a TV screen and a moulded plastic box of tricks.

In no time, I was tapping in commands like: 120 IF R$="1" THEN GOTO 100 ["plup - plup - plup, plup, plup..."] and humming along to the rasping squeal of the tape as I ran yet another masterpiece of programming [yes, OK - I was easily pleased in those days].

Naturally, this was the beginning of the end of any hope of my learning to handle such domestic intricacies as dusting, cooking, washing clothes; I developed all manner of diversions to prevent my important work from being interrupted [this important work being programming a graphic of a chameleon which sat in the corner of the screen and waited for flies, each hapless insect a different color... when one appeared it would flick out its tongue, swallow its victim and promptly change to the color of the morsel it had just swallowed. As I said already, I was easily pleased in those days...].

Nevertheless, I was hooked. By the time I got my first 486, my partner was history [you can draw your own conclusions, just type 40 PLOT 100,100...].

So, in order to prevent you from making the same mistakes I did, here are some simple Do's & Don’ts to make sure that you don't get interrupted when carrying out your "Important Work" [Solitaire...Tetris...whatever...], and how to appear as if you have the whole domestic thing under control.

DO NOT TAKE SHORTCUTS - THEY ARE DANGEROUS

OK, its 3:30 PM and you have been at the computer all day. The dishes are in the sink, the beds are unmade and you suddenly remember your partner was specific about needing a particular item of clothing for a meeting the next day.

Do NOT try to dry the 100% pure wool sweater your partner's mother bought them for Christmas in the oven. It will go brown and crispy and whilst that is OK for pastry, it is very bad for jumpers.

Instead, take the sweater round to their mother's, look pathetic and incompetent and ask her if she can show you the correct way to hand wash and flat dry a sweater. Go home and attend to your "Important Work" until she calls you and tells you it is dry.

DO NOT TRY AND DO "THEIR" JOBS

Wandering back from the kitchen [you are on your sixth coffee], you notice that the water in your partner's tropical fish transit tank looks murky. It’s been in the hall since you moved in to the new house a month ago.

Do NOT try and "help" by taking the heater which "appears" to have fallen off the side of the tropical fish transit tank and stick it back on and then decide to top the water up a bit, because as soon as the clean water hits the heater...Pzzt! Fzzt! Electrocuted fish [and your partner will yell, even if it is your birthday and they have forgotten]. You will suffer pangs of guilt about the fish for years to come, even after you realize you electrocuted the wrong thing...

Instead, move a few things around so it looks like you have been attending to the housework. Nag them to sort the fish out until they go out to get away from you. Go back to your "Important Work".

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN

Children will fight you over use of the computer. You will have 4 years of this until they go to school, by which time you will not be able to see your desktop through the mist of finger marks on the monitor and the "X" key won't work any more after it got stuck down with peanut butter.

Do NOT be swayed by friends bringing their latest offspring round in an evil bid to bring out your motherly instincts. Avoid the "Mother and Baby” aisle at the supermarket [they pipe pheromones and the smell of baby powder through the air conditioning]. Best not to go outside at all. Don't answer the door. Take the phone off the hook. Better still, tell everyone you have emigrated.

Instead, get the large, energetic dog your partner wants. They will be obliged to take it out on at least two long walks a day and you can go back to your "Important Work" while they are playing with sticks.

DO GET ORGANIZED [this is very important!]

The trouble with household chores is that they build up. Unless you manage them efficiently, you will soon find yourself struggling to kick that huge pile of ironing out of the way.

Do NOT try to do it all yourself.

Instead, get a housekeeper. Make sure she likes dogs and knows nothing about computers.

Follow these guidelines and harmony will reign. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go. I have some "Important Work" to attend to and the housekeeper just arrived...