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Ask Parry! is a service where Parry Aftab, noted online safety and privacy expert, and Executive Director of WiredSafety.org can answer your questions about online safety, privacy and security, and help you with problems you encounter online. Anything from help finding a safe chat room for your teens, to knowing what to do if the item you bought at auction doesn't arrive as promised.
I suspect that teens act out online. Is that true?
Yes it is true. Teens especially pretend to be someone else, use language they would never dream of using offline and are often rude and combative online.
In the survey, when we asked the teen girls to explain if they had done anything online that they wouldn't have done in person, here's what they said (in their own words):
- "Yes, obviously people are more bold and outgoing on the Internet when they don't have to deal with the consequences of their actions."
- "Of course! All people do. A computer with a phone line is like a mask to the world. You can do or say anything and you won't ever have to meet this person. For instance, my little brother is 13 and he tells people he's 16 or older. He's a sweet guy and has a very high respect for females. Online, however, he says very cruel and suggestive things to and about them. He acts like a monster. It's disgraceful, and a little scary."
- "Yes, of course . . . our usual boundaries and personal walls are down and we can act more carefree and outspoken if we feel like. At least this is true for me . . . you can act like a goddess."
- "I have cursed out a lot of ppl [people], and when my bud comes over, we go into places like the African American room and yell "KKK ALL THE WAY" or go to the Jewish room and say "HEIL HITLER," but I haven't done that since I started going back to church and was saved by Jesus Christ. We were just joking, we weren't really racist."
- "Yes, but I'd rather not describe what I did. Instead, I'll just say that online, you can be absolutely ANYONE you want to be, which is why a lot of people do things that they would not normally do. In real life, people everywhere judge you based on your looks, actions, and who knows what else, but online, all that really matters is your attitude and personality."
- "Uh well, I tried cyber sex before and I wouldn't ever do that in real life. Sex period. I don't believe in premarital sex. I think that is a great gift you give your husband. I once told someone off because he/she was being perverted and talking nasty to me and I didn't like it."
- "Well, once I told this guy I met in a chat room all about me and, like, my phone number and stuff. I now realize that this was really stupid of me and will never do anything like it again cause although it's not likely, he could be a psycho or something."
- "I feel I can speak more freely to someone online about my problems because most of them don't go to my school or even the same state. I can ask them advice and they would probably give me the best because they aren't in favor of a certain person. I can introduce myself and meet new people because it isn't as uncomfortable to look into their eyes and if you become really uncomfortable I can just get out of it by blocking them or getting offline."
- "I have had cyber sex -- that's something I never have done and never will do until I'm married in real life."
- "I am much more bold online than in real life. I am VERY shy and I say things on the Internet that I normally wouldn't say in public."
- "I have lied for no reason. Actually, I told a guy I couldn't give him my number cause my mom doesn't want guys calling me cause it was during the school year. My mom doesn't really care who calls me I just didn't know what to say."
- "Yeah, I wouldn't flirt with people I just met in person, unlike on the Internet."
- "Flirt more easily, say things I wouldn't say in person, not bad things, just more honest things."
- "Yeah, because it's a lot easier to talk and get to 'know' someone online because you can't see their face. I never have done any- thing bad but I've been a lot more easy going and free for what I'd say online then in a live situation which in some ways have helped me to be more comfortable talking to new guys in person."
- "Well, honestly . . . yes. I had cyber sex! I will never have real sex until I am married, after I engaged in cybering, I totally felt grossed out, like I know I was doing something wrong! I will not make that mistake again." When we asked them if they ever pretend to be someone else in cyberspace, here's what they answered (in their own words):
- "Of course I've pretended. Everyone does. You pretend to be older . . . or you pretend to be a guy . . . or you just pretend to be whoever you wanna be."
- "Yes, I just changed myself to be someone I wasn't because I wanted to get a different reaction from people. It gave me a way to see myself as who I wanted to be but by doing it I realized that that is not who I want to be and that I just want to be me."
- "Yes. If I am ever in a chat room I always make up things about myself. This is why I say don't trust anyone because everybody else does the same thing."
- "Since nobody seems to be eager to talk to a 15 year old, I always pretended I was 18 year old female. However, that sometimes attracted bad attention from guys."
- "Yes. I pretended to be anyone from Leonardo DiCaprio to a serial killer."
- "I once pretended to be a 16 year old girl. I wanted to talk to my boyfriend to see if he would agree to meet her in person. He did and I told him who I really was and we broke up."
- "Yes, I've pretended to be so many people. It's fun and safe and because nobody knows who you really are."
- "Well we've ALL pretended to be older or have a different name or something. Who doesn't? It's part of the fun about being online . . . you can be whoever you want to be for a little while."
- "Yes, I pretended to be someone that I wish I could be like a popular person."
- "I haven't pretended to be someone else, but I have pretended to be a couple of years older than I am, because not many people my age are online to talk to, and if they are, they must be lying about their age, too."
- "No, I think it is wrong to lie to other people about who you are. I wouldn't want someone to do it to me so I don't do it to them." When we asked them if they had ever been in a situation online that frightened them, here's what they said:
- "My friend agreed to meet a guy she met online when he came to our hometown, and she wanted some of us to come along to keep them company. I told my parents but luckily the guy's game got canceled. I wouldn't have gone and I would not support her decision to meet anyone in real life. She kinda felt betrayed but at least she's still alive."
- "Once I was scared because this guy kept telling me all this stuff about me, like my name, address, friends' names, etc. he said he knew where I lived and stuff, and I better watch out. It ended up being a joke from a friend of a friend, but I was still scared, and I was very angry at the friend who gave the person the info just to scare me. It wasn't funny."
- "Once I was on ICQ talking to a bunch of my friends when this guy I had been chatting with sent me a file. Unknowingly, I opened it and then I realized that the person had hacked into my system. Suddenly, my CD-ROM drive started opening and closing and annoying (but not threatening) messages started appearing on my screen. Soon after my mouse buttons switched functions. I had just finished a big assignment, so I was afraid the hacker would do something to wreck it. I shut down my computer and that was about all I did about it. One of my friends had a similar experience, only hers was scary and threatening. When she got hacked, pictures of a dead girl with her face smashed in appeared on her screen, along with threatening messages and sound clips."
- "I know this is normal in fact it doesn't bother me I just laugh. Most kids are always exposed to this stuff not just on the Internet so its no big deal in fact sometimes it makes it interesting. But one time this dude got really mad at me and he knew my parents were out of the state and he could have called one of my friends and found my address but instead he kept calling every 5 minutes. . . ."
- "There was one time, when I got online to check my email. I ended up going into my regular chat room, and when I arrived, some guy started giving out my personal information. I don't know how he knew anything personal about me, but he was telling everyone in there about the frightening and terrible things that were done to me as a child. My best friend doesn't even know what happened to me when I was little. All I did was, denied all of what he said and logged off. I cried all week long."
- "This guy IM'd [instant messaged] me and my best friend and he knew all this information about us . . . and we hadn't even talked to him before. He knew who we were, where we lived and everything and he kept playing with our minds trying to tell us that we started IMing him first and so on. I told my parents about it but they didn't really care. So this went on for an hour and a half. I had friends try to get him to stop. He told us where he worked and he kept insisting that we go places with him like out to lunch or dinner and he would buy us x-mas and b-day presents even though we had never met him. He would leave them on his car at work for us to come and get, we would go get them and just smash them all over the ground . . . thinking he would get the point. He was convinced that him and my best friend were dating then I came along and I'm the one who stopped it all. No one could get this guy to stop. We changed our screen names plenty of times but he had already hacked into our account so he could always find us. Well he hacked into mine. Well in December we got a new computer and we both changed our screen names and he hasn't been able to find us since."
- "[A]bout a year ago I met a guy online and I told him my phone # and found out he lived about 5 minutes away from me we talked 4 about a week then he asked me out and I agreed. We met up at the mall he was totally normal 15 year old guy. He wasn't some psycho or anything but I got in a lot of trouble from my parents and I will never give out any personal information again. It's not safe and its a stupid idea. If anyone who reads this is thinking about giving out info to someone on the net PLEASE think twice about it you could get yourself into a lot of trouble."