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Ask Parry! is a service where Parry Aftab, noted online safety and privacy expert, and Executive Director of WiredSafety.org can answer your questions about online safety, privacy and security, and help you with problems you encounter online. Anything from help finding a safe chat room for your teens, to knowing what to do if the item you bought at auction doesn't arrive as promised.
There have been many cases recently where pedophiles and other adults have lured children into offline meetings and molested them. Luckily, there are even more cases when such attempts to lure a child have brought about the attention of law-enforcement groups. I debated whether I should discuss any of these cases, because I did not want to sensationalize them. But if explaining the methods used by offenders might make parents more aware, and their children safer, it's worth it. Cyberpredators, just like their offline counterparts, usually aren't the scary, hairy monsters in trench coats we imagine standing on a dark street corner. Many are the kind of person you would be inviting to your home as a guest, and often have. They are pediatricians, teachers, lawyers, clergy, vice cops, welfare workers, journalists, Boy Scout leaders, baseball coaches, scientists, etc. They are almost always men. (Sometimes women are accomplices, but rarely are women the molesters.) They are often articulate and well educated. They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, and they can be very rich or out of work. But they have one thing in common: they want your child.
Most of us are sickened at the thought of an adult having sexual relations with a child, but to be able to protect our children, we must get into the mind of the predator.
First of all, predators often don't see themselves as predators. They see themselves as loving partners with the children they molest. To them this isn't rape, it's a seduction. They even see themselves as merely "dating young." And, as with any seduction, it's a slow and painstaking process. (Predators have been known to wait more than two years, collecting data on a particular child, before striking. Although, some set up meetings within a matter of days.) That's what makes them hard to detect. They don't appear to your child to be dangerous.
An FBI agent who shared a panel with me recently said it best: "Before the Internet, these people had to get physically close to your children. They had to lurk near schoolyards, or playgrounds. Kids would see them. Adults would see them. It was a dangerous situation to be in for them, because everyone would notice an adult male lurking around children. They often had to take jobs and volunteer positions that allowed them to work with children in a position of trust in order to reach their victims. Now, however, the personal risks the pedophiles had to expose themselves to in order to be around children are gone. Now they can be 'one of the kids' and hang out with your kids online without exposing themselves. As long as they don't say or do something in the public room that makes them stand out, they can stay there forever, taking notes."
Many of them do. They have been known to create large databases on children. They track the children's likes and dislikes. They track information such as whose parents are divorced, who doesn't like their father's new girlfriend or their mother's boyfriend, or who likes computer games or a particular rock group.
Kids often share personal information about their lives in chat rooms or on profiles. The predators use this information to gain your child's trust and friendship. This is one reason why they shouldn't share personal information online.
How do the sexual predators get our children to want to meet them offline? They begin by striking up a conversation with the child, trying to create a relationship of trust and friendship. They often masquerade as another child or teenager, typically of the opposite sex, unless the child has indicated homosexual interests. (The child may or may not know the "seducer's" real age by the time they meet face-to-face.) Phone calls usually start at this point. Sometimes gifts are sent to the child as well, which may include a Polaroid camera and film.
Once they have broken down barriers of caution, they begin introducing sexual topics gradually, often with the use of child pornography to give the child the impression that other children are regularly involved in sexual activities.
Then they begin to approach the child's own sexuality and curiosity, by asking questions and giving them "assignments," like wearing special underwear, sending sexually suggestive photos of themselves to the pedophile, or performing certain sexual acts.
These assignments eventually broaden to the exchange of sexually explicit photographs (using the Polaroid) or videos of the child. Finally, the pedophile attempts to arrange a face-to-face meeting. (He may also have divulged his true age or an age closer to his actual age at this point.)
Here's a real case and how the predator attempted to lure a young New Jersey girl This case involved a sexual predator from Ohio and was one of the earliest reported cases of cyberpredatorial conduct. Luckily, the liaison was discovered before the girl met the man face-to-face. But it had gone on for a year and a half before being discovered by the girl's mother. As you read the details, think about what could have been done to discover the situation earlier and how you can use these precautions to protect your children.
Paul Brown, Jr., an Ohio resident, was forty-six years old. He was also unemployed, weighed over four hundred pounds, and lived in a basement. He had accounts with AOL, Prodigy, and CompuServe. Mary (a hypothetical name for the young girl involved) was twelve when her mother, a schoolteacher, bought her a computer, reportedly because Mary was having problems making friends. When she got online, Mary posted a message on Prodigy, in the spring of 1995, looking for a pen pal. In her message she described herself as a teenage girl. Paul Brown, Jr., responded to the message, using his real name (something they often do, surprisingly) but identifying himself as a fifteen-year-old boy.
Brown and Mary maintained an e-mail and telephone relationship for several months. As the relationship became more involved, they began writing letters, and Mary sent Brown a photograph. He told her that he was living at home with his mother and was hoping to find a girlfriend. In early August, Brown asked Mary for a "favor." "If I sent you a roll of film, could you get one of your friends to take pictures of you in different outfits and maybe hairstyles? Makeup if you use any, and different poses. Some sexy, if possible. Please. Baby for me. Thanx. You're the best. Love Ya."
Mary complied. For the next eight months, they continued to converse and correspond, and Mary sent additional photos. Brown encouraged her with juvenile antics, such as using stickers in his letters to her saying things like "Getting better all the time!" In May 1996, Brown sent Mary a special love note. "Saying I love you . . . seems to be an understatement. At the age of 14 you have captured my heart and made it sing . . . I love everything about you. . . ."
Shortly thereafter, Brown confessed to being in his twenties. He also suggested that Mary videotape herself in sexually provocative poses. She did. After Brown had reviewed her videotape, he returned it to her with instructions to redo the tape and include views of her genitalia and breasts. He later admitted to being divorced and in his thirties.
He reportedly also sent her small gifts from time to time. A few months later, in response to Brown's promise to pass copies of the tape to four members of a rock band Mary admired, she sent additional videotapes to Brown. (Brown told Mary that he knew the band members very well.) Each tape sent to Brown was designated for a different member of the band and contained sexually explicit conduct. Brown apparently had also sent her his size 48 underwear. When her mother discovered the underwear, the authorities were notified. Tracing Brown through phone records, special agents of the FBI in Cleveland seized the videotapes and photos of Mary and of more than ten other teenage girls from across the country.
Mary was fourteen when this was all discovered. Brown pled guilty to enticing a minor to produce sexually explicit photos and videos and was sentenced to a little less than five years in prison (the maximum penalty for a first offense). In a written statement to Brown following all of this, Mary said, "I trusted you. I thought you were my friend." There are several things that stand out in this case. One, interstate phone calls were made by Mary. Parents should always be reviewing long-distance bills for suspicious calls. Two, Mary was lonely. These kinds of children are often the most vulnerable; a parent should be involved in their online friendships, and monitor their online lives. And, three, as hard as it is to know what our kids are doing when we're not around, especially if you are a single parent, a year and a half is a long time for a relationship to be going on undiscovered. You should spend time learning who your children's friends are, online and off.
But Monday-morning quarterbacking is always easier than playing the game in real time. We may look at the situation and say that could never happen to one of our kids. However, there but for the grace of God go all of us. . . .
Knowing your child is lonely and has problems making friends is the first sign that the child may fall prey to a pedophile or cyberpredator. Predators can spot lonely children. They can also spot kids who are new online and may not yet know all the rules. Most teens, when surveyed, admit to having been propositioned online. But what may be obvious to a cyberstreetsmart kid may not be so obvious to a child not yet familiar with cyberspace.
Pedophiles befriend these kids and patiently build trust and a relationship - looking toward the day when they can meet face-to-face. Encourage your children to make online friends, but keeping the computer in a central location and learning about their online friends is an important way to avoid these secret relationships. Education is important in avoiding this danger, too. (Had Mary been forewarned about how pedophiles operate online, she may have been more attentive to how old Brown sounded on the phone, and been more aware of his classic tactics.) So is control over incoming and outgoing information when younger children are involved, using technology blockers, monitors, and filters. These kinds of situations can be avoided if you plan ahead, educate and communicate with your children, and keep your eyes open.